I’m not even talking about the anxiety. That’s enough on it’s own, the 24/7 worrying. Second-guessing every tiny twinge I feel. Even her kicks aren’t reassuring, because I just can’t help but think she might be saying goodbye or struggling to hold on. It’s awful.
But it’s the silence that really sucks. I feel like my belly is the elephant in the room! Last time I was pregnant everybody would excitedly ask questions and talk about the babies, but this time around it’s like they would rather forget I’m growing another human being.
It’s hard to imagine bringing this baby home – being positive is hard. But the silence makes it so much harder. It would be so nice if someone just asked how baby was going, whether she’s a boy or a girl. Or ask how I’m doing being pregnant in the heat. Or want to chat baby names with me. But instead there’s just silence. And when I try to break that silence myself and talk about baby anyway, it doesn’t take them long to change the topic – it’s so painfully clear no-one wants to talk about it.
I was sad that when my partner and I announced my pregnancy we barely got a single congratulations, but I thought that eventually we would. Like people just needed to get used to the idea and maybe have a think about what to say. Instead there’s been more silence.
I do sort of understand how everyone’s feeling – maybe they even think it’s easier for me, too, to pretend that I’m not pregnant. But it’s not. It makes things harder. I feel like I need all the positivity I can get, but if no-one else can be positive how on earth am I supposed to be?