I hope 2015 will be better. I hope we’ll get to take this baby girl home, it’s so hard for me to be hopeful about her future when I just really want my boys back. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away, I think I will always want them back so badly. But I hope their little sister can help me cope a little bit, I hope she makes the emptiness feel not quite so consuming.
I hope she will be born the day before her due date. I know that sounds silly, but I really don’t want to go overdue, and the day before her due date was her brother’s 40 week due date. That date never belonged to them, really, they were never going to be born then. But if she is born then I feel like it would be a lovely little link to her brothers.
I hope her birth is just like her brothers’. Except the end result will be different. When I gave birth to my boys it really was quite perfect, if they had been born alive others would be envious about how easy and lovely it was. I know I could very well be disappointed this time around, so I’m trying not to be too hopeful in regards to the birth but I really do hope it’s like last time. My partner held my hand the whole way and I was pleasantly surprised by the pain – I have a pretty low pain threshold and thought I’d find labour unbearable. But it was so, so easy. I didn’t have a un-medicated birth; I sucked on gas and at the end they insisted I have an epidural in case my second boy turned around, and I’m not really aiming for an un-medicated birth this time around either, but I think I could do it if this birth is anything like the last one.
I hope I will be able to breastfeed. I know I could run into unexpected difficulties. I hope I won’t find it hard. I would far prefer to breastfeed than formula feed, if only to save money. In the end though I guess all that matters is my baby is fed.
I hope she will talk about her brothers. I’m so worried about how I will make her brothers a part of her life – how can I make a baby, a toddler, or a young child understand she has older siblings if they are not here? I have older half-brothers from my parents’ previous marriages and I barely understood they were my brothers until I was much, much older, because they were simply never there. To me they were just people who visited every now and again. My baby girl won’t even have that, her brothers won’t ever be here. How will she understand they are her brothers when all she sees are photos?
I just hope everything will be okay.