Life

More tragedy…

Well, we said goodbye to 2014 with hopes that 2015 would be better. I still hope it will be better, but so far it’s not off to a great start…

3 days into the new year my partner went for a motorbike ride with one of his best mates – just down to the forest, something they did all the time. They were decked out in all their safety gear, like usual. It was just a normal day, I didn’t even say goodbye to them as they left. I barely noticed them leaving.

A little while later, I saw the first ambulance go by headed in their direction. I immediately grabbed my phone to call my partner and discovered he’d left his phone at home (they usually do, so their phones don’t get lost). So I tried to convince myself the ambulance could be for anyone. That they would be home soon.

But they didn’t come home. Instead, more emergency vehicles drove by, headed towards the forest. I think in total I saw 3 ambulances, 4 police cars and 1 SES vehicle. Two hours had passed since the first ambulance, and it hadn’t driven back past again, so I knew something had to be seriously wrong. By this point I was crying, I was trying not to freak out. I thought surely someone would call me? Surely someone would tell me if something had happened? I held on to a tiny bit of hope that the ambulance hadn’t been for them, because no one had come to tell me anything. Maybe my boys were just helping out the person who had been injured.

I sat out the front of the house waiting for something to happen. For them to come home, or for someone to tell me what was going on. Every time I heard a sound that sounded even remotely like a motorbike I thought “that’s them!”… It never was. Eventually my across-the-road neighbour noticed me sitting out the front and walked over. I cannot describe how I felt when I saw him walking over. I had to let go of the tiny bit of hope I still had that my boys were both okay. I knew if he was coming over, he had to be telling me something bad.

The first words out of his mouth were “Matt’s okay”. I was so relieved, so grateful for those words. I asked whether his mate was okay. My neighbour just shook his head. I didn’t ask anything more, I didn’t need to. I just cried.

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5 thoughts on “More tragedy…

    • Thank you. I hate that every time I write, it’s always more negativity – I suppose that’s when I feel like I need the outlet.
      I can’t believe this has happened to us, I am so heartbroken for Matthew & also his mate’s family. It’s all so awful. Next week is also our sons’ first birthday / anniversary, but I’ve had no time to plan anything because we’ve been so consumed with this new loss recently. 😦

      • I understand about writing most when you are suffering deeply. I think that’s when our souls speaks loudest, and we need to let the pressure out. The need to write is less urgent when we are feeling ok. For me, writing and sharing with others in the journey of grief has been such a healing outlet.
        It’s good to know we are not alone in our struggle. Others are walking this journey through the darkness. But keep walking, and keep hoping for the light around the corner, the beauty that awaits you. Don’t give up on it being there. Goodness awaits, despite our broken hearts. We have to keep believing this.
        I am thinking of you lots a praying for a safe delivery for your precious daughter, who will bring a little piece of Heaven into your home, and help heal your heart.
        God bless you always, and keep your family close to his fatherly heart,
        Anna

      • Hi Emily,
        I’m trying to think way you could do to honour your sons. A baby loss friend mine likes to do art about her son Thomas…she has little prints of his feet she incorporates in paintings. Another lady I know releases balloons on the anniversary.
        Perhaps writing something about how your boys are still a blessing to you, despite everything, could be good. To honour their lives. To affirm the goodness of the fact that they were created for a purpose and will exist forever. Gratitude is very healing, even when it’s hard.
        There’s a blog called Little Light of Heaven that might have more ideas. Also a magazine called Still Standing has a lot of writing by other bereaved moms. I’ll let you know of I think of anything else.
        Sending love your way,
        Anna

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