In my babyloss circles, I’m always hearing people talk about the question ‘how many children do you have?’. I have never denied my boys, I’ve always said I have 3, and sometimes awkwardly explained that my sons’ aren’t here anymore. That is until last week.
I was down the street and an old man stopped to coo over my daughter (as the older generation often do). He asked if she was my only child. Now, I knew this man, and I had actually been asked this before by him and explained about my sons. I didn’t feel like explaining it again, I was in a rush and my daughter was a little grizzly and quite frankly I didn’t feel like receiving those pity eyes I usually get; not twice from the same person. So I said yes. Instantly I felt terrible.
Every day, I feel further away from my sons. Saying yes seemed to ricochet them even further. It wasn’t right. I wanted to correct myself, to let this man know that my sons did exist. But it was too late, I had said it and the conversation was basically over.
I guess this incident has just reaffirmed why I always tell people about them. My sons were here. Explaining to people that they’re not any more is always awkward, I haven’t quite figured out how to do it. But that awkwardness is better than the knot in my stomach when I deny them.
Do you tell people about your lost little one? Does it make you feel conflicted?