Christmas is fast approaching. It somehow manages to sneak up on me every year. Not one ounce of Christmas shopping has been done – except for my rainbow babe’s gifts, which I laybyed back in June (thank you Big W and your no deposit Christmas toy layby!).
I think when you’re missing someone important at your Christmas dinner table, Christmas sneaks up all that much faster. Just yesterday it was February and now I have to face another major holiday without my boys. It’s really hit me hard.
Last Christmas we didn’t have a lot of money (huge understatement). I had all these plans to make Christmas special – I felt like we had to try extra hard at that, for our boys, even though they weren’t here or perhaps because they weren’t here – but none of those plans eventuated because we were so broke. It ended up being a Christmas just like any other, just like our sons had never been here. It was sad.
This year we already have gifts under the trees for our boys, and a gift for our little girl from them. I know it might seem silly for our boys to have a gift each, but they will sit with their urn and perhaps Charlie will play with them one day.
I also took Charlie to have Santa photos done. It was a disaster, somehow, despite going reasonably well (from a normal person’s point of view). Let me explain:
- My partner had to leave me alone in line to get something before the shops closed. No biggie, I guess, but I didn’t want him to leave. I do have severe anxiety, so in general I don’t like being in social situations alone, although I have been very good recently. He also manages to get Charlie to smile with just a look. I just wanted him to stay.
- I had my boys’ urn with me. Santa was not very receptive of the idea of having them in the photo. He told me it wasn’t a good idea to have “that thing” in the photo. He didn’t say it rudely, and he may not have realised it was an urn (doubtful) but it stung.
- Charlie would not smile at all. Here I was, with someone I knew in line behind me, and my normally crazily-happy baby would not put a smile on her face. And I tried to make her smile, but I suppose my anxiety may have held me back a little there. She just stared blankly. So I paid $50 for a full pack of photos where she wasn’t smiling. This also made me upset all over again that Matt had left because I knew he would’ve been able to get her to smile.
All of those are really silly thing things to be upset over. But I just wanted to cry. I guess I was feeling extra weighed down by another Christmas without our boys’, even though their little sister is here. I also thought back to last Christmas – I didn’t get a Santa photo for our boys’ first Christmas. I see so many loss mums doing it, and I kind of wanted to, but I was too afraid of what people might think. Then to have Santa this year tell me point-blank that having their urn in the photo wasn’t a good idea. I don’t even know how that made me feel.
So I sat there for 30 minutes, waiting for Matt to get back, trying not to cry – and finally just cried into his shoulder when he got there. I just miss my boys so much and Christmastime is hard without them.