Friends, Life

Season 7, time for a wedding!

On 2/1/15 Charlie & I attended the wedding of a good friend.

I actually know said friend through our babyloss journey. She lost her son a month or two before I lost mine and was one of the first people to offer real support to me, and now we have our rainbows together – her little boy is 5 weeks younger than Charlie.

The wedding was truly, truly beautiful. Her little boy was honoured in so many ways on the day, and her earthside baby looked adorable in his little bow tie and suspenders. The groom even scrubbed up well and my friend, the beautiful bride, looked absolutely amazing in her gown!

There are just no words for how happy I am for this couple. They’re such an inspiration to me. To have been through so much and to still be so strong together, and such wonderful parents to both their angel and their rainbow baby, is just humbling. And I feel so incredibly honoured to have been invited to their wedding.

I wish them both so much happiness – they deserve it!

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Baby Number 3, Babyloss, Life, parenting

Another year of firsts.

My adorable rainbow baby is almost 1. (Her brothers should be almost 2).

This past year we have had many firsts. Charlie is our first baby to make it home. We celebrated her first Easter, Christmas, and New Years. We helped her struggle through her first tooth cutting, we struggled ourselves during our first sleepless night. We just missed seeing her first ever roll (cheeky!), delighted at seeing her crawl for the first time and at the moment we’re eagerly awaiting her first steps, which we anticipate any day now. And now to end our year of firsts we have her first birthday in 2 weeks time.

But it seems bittersweet that this is actually our second year of firsts, vastly different from the one before. The year of firsts without our beautiful boys. My firstborns. The first time I held their beautiful, still bodies. The first night home from hospital without them, then the first funeral my partner ever attended and the first time I had seen him cry. The first day I didn’t shed a single tear over their loss. The first Easter, Christmas and New Years with empty arms. Their first birthday card, completely empty, sitting in their memory box.

This year of firsts has been so much happier than the last, but the last holds so many important memories too. My boys should be 2 in 8 short days. We’re marking the day the same way we did last year – a trip to the national park with their urn, a cake, and a peaceful afternoon by ourselves as a family. It’ll be a far cry from Charlie’s first birthday barbecue the following week.

I feel like my boys are being a little bit forgotten amongst the excitement for their little sister’s birthday. I understand, I’m terribly excited for her birthday too; it’s such a joyous, celebratory occasion. But the week before is going to be tough.

 I miss you Andrew & Eric x

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Babyloss, Life

I still cry.

It’s coming up to two years now I have been living without my sons, and I still cry.

In the beginning it was very visible. I made no effort to hide my grief. If I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t feeling.

Slowly I started crying only in private. Eventually I began hiding it from even my partner, I would cry in the shower and cry late at night. I’m sure he heard me crying next to him in bed, but I think it was easier for him to pretend he didn’t. I don’t blame him for that. 

Then one day I didn’t shed a single tear. I didn’t even notice, I was crying in the shower the following day when I realised the day before I hadn’t cried at all. It was a big milestone. A morbid achievement. The first day I didn’t cry.

Now there are more cry-free days than not. But I still cry. I don’t think the tears will ever fully stop. I miss my boys.

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