It’s coming up to two years now I have been living without my sons, and I still cry.
In the beginning it was very visible. I made no effort to hide my grief. If I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t feeling.
Slowly I started crying only in private. Eventually I began hiding it from even my partner, I would cry in the shower and cry late at night. I’m sure he heard me crying next to him in bed, but I think it was easier for him to pretend he didn’t. I don’t blame him for that.
Then one day I didn’t shed a single tear. I didn’t even notice, I was crying in the shower the following day when I realised the day before I hadn’t cried at all. It was a big milestone. A morbid achievement. The first day I didn’t cry.
Now there are more cry-free days than not. But I still cry. I don’t think the tears will ever fully stop. I miss my boys.