My adorable rainbow baby is almost 1. (Her brothers should be almost 2).
This past year we have had many firsts. Charlie is our first baby to make it home. We celebrated her first Easter, Christmas, and New Years. We helped her struggle through her first tooth cutting, we struggled ourselves during our first sleepless night. We just missed seeing her first ever roll (cheeky!), delighted at seeing her crawl for the first time and at the moment we’re eagerly awaiting her first steps, which we anticipate any day now. And now to end our year of firsts we have her first birthday in 2 weeks time.
But it seems bittersweet that this is actually our second year of firsts, vastly different from the one before. The year of firsts without our beautiful boys. My firstborns. The first time I held their beautiful, still bodies. The first night home from hospital without them, then the first funeral my partner ever attended and the first time I had seen him cry. The first day I didn’t shed a single tear over their loss. The first Easter, Christmas and New Years with empty arms. Their first birthday card, completely empty, sitting in their memory box.
This year of firsts has been so much happier than the last, but the last holds so many important memories too. My boys should be 2 in 8 short days. We’re marking the day the same way we did last year – a trip to the national park with their urn, a cake, and a peaceful afternoon by ourselves as a family. It’ll be a far cry from Charlie’s first birthday barbecue the following week.
I feel like my boys are being a little bit forgotten amongst the excitement for their little sister’s birthday. I understand, I’m terribly excited for her birthday too; it’s such a joyous, celebratory occasion. But the week before is going to be tough.
I miss you Andrew & Eric x