Babyloss, Life, parenting

Quick Update

Haven’t written much in a little while. I’ve been really busy, but also my laptop is out of action (updating to Windows 10: worst mistake I’ve ever made) and I much prefer typing on my laptop. We’re also getting new internet installed soon and in the interim only have mobile wifi.

Anyway, my fundraiser is now just over $250! Thank you so much to everyone who’s donated so far. I’ve also spoken to the local newspaper and they’re doing a small article on it. Super pumped. You can donate here: Cuddle Cots for Andrew & Eric.

I’ll aim to write a proper post within the next few days. Stay tuned.

Babyloss, Life, parenting


So many exciting things happening lately!

First off, I am extremely excited about my new fundraiser (found here). I am super pumped about making a difference to future loss families.

Secondly, a brilliant new website has been launched about the #BearWithMe project. My blog is also featured in the resources section of this site. You can click here to view the site.

And finally, the Australian Multiple Birth Association has mentioned my blog on Facebook, and maybe my blog might be linked in their bereavement resources section in the future!

I’m having a good day. My boys are making a difference and being remembered today.


Babyloss, Life, parenting

Leave no family behind.

This week is Multiple Birth Awareness Week here in Australia, and the theme for 2016 is “leave no family behind“. I’m very excited about this years theme, and I think it opens up some opportunities to talk about multiple-baby loss. 

As someone who lost both of my multiple babes, I have often felt left behind within the multiple birth community. I must say I can’t wholly blame the community itself for that though, I have purposely distanced myself a bit because it is quite hard to see happy, healthy multiples when mine never made it home. But I also never felt particularly welcome in my local AMBA group because multiple-loss is a topic that’s rarely mentioned by them.

This years theme is very all-inclusive though and it’s beautiful. It’s encouraging to see the words “leave no family behind” emblazoned on a flyer, like a special reassurance that I’m not being forgotten, even though I’m a very different kind of twin mum.

The Australian Multiple Birth Association, who run MBAW, provides support for all multiple families (even if I feel like my kind of family is left out sometimes) and I found it to be an excellent resource while pregnant. 

Much like this blog, I joined the AMBA in the early stages of my pregnancy. I loved their forum. If you don’t log in often enough though, your account becomes inactive – I remember after losing my boys I’d get warning emails from them and rush to log in because I couldn’t bear the thought of my account becoming inactive, even though our boys were no longer here. Their forum also has a bereavement sanctuary, which I posted in occasionally during those rushed log ins. But it seemed so lonely compared to the rest of the forum. Every time I logged in there were newly-pregnant multiple mums posting in the introduction section, but it was rare that the bereavement sanctuary had a new post. At some point during my grief journey, logging into this forum just became too much and I ignored the warning emails.

Actually, my last email from the AMBA community forum came just before Multiple Birth Awareness Week last year. I got it in the midst of being interviewed over email by my local newspaper about MBAW itself. I guess perhaps I took that as some sort of sign – instead of holding onto the past, I had moved forward into a future where I was trying to help other multiple-loss families.

This year to commemorate Multiple Birth Awareness Week, I’d like to take another step towards helping other families like mine. In memory of my sweet twin boys, and in the spirit of the “leave no family behind” theme, I have created a fundraiser page through Bears of Hope to raise money for two Cuddle Cots to be donated to my local hospital. 

You can find out all about Cuddle Cots, and donate to the cause, by clicking here.

Happy Multiple Birth Awareness Week everybody xx

Babyloss, Life, parenting

A simple family photo…

Today, I came across Matt’s grandmother on Facebook. So naturally I had a little look at her profile, and noticed a photo she was tagged in.

I’ve seen the photo before. It was a lovely family photo, captioned “Four generations”. It was Matt’s grandmother, aunt, cousin and cousin’s baby daughter. Such a beautiful photo really.

Looking at this photo again, though, something came to me. I realised if our boys had made it home, that would’ve been Matt’s photo. Four generations of men in his family proudly smiling for the camera, two of them holding little bundles wrapped up in blue. That should have been his photo.

This realisation hit me like a tonne of bricks. Just the thought that this memory should have been ours, along with a whole lifetime of memories stolen from us before the lives were even lived, had me bawling my eyes out. Our boys were the first (and second) great- grandchildren, and now they don’t even get mentioned, and the lifetime of memories we never got to make with them are being made with somebody else. 

Oh, how my heart breaks for all the memories we never got to make.


Baby Number 3, Babyloss, Cooking, Life, parenting

Not Winning Today

I feel like I’m failing at being a mum today. My little girl is upset and clingy and has been from the moment she woke up. I understand that it’s tough being a toddler so I’m trying to be gentle, I wish she could understand that it’s tough being a mum sometimes too.

It’s lunchtime and so far she’s not eaten more than a few slices of apple all day. I feel like a failure for not being able to get her to eat some more, she must be hungry but she won’t let any food pass her lips (she did happily munch on some cardboard though – babies, huh?).

Her nap time has come and gone, and she’s still not asleep. I feel like a failure for not being able to get her to sleep even though I know she’s tired. I know this will make her day even harder. But she just won’t sleep.

Every little cry or whinge makes me feel like a failure because I don’t know what’s wrong and none of my cuddles are making her feel better. My one job is to keep my babe healthy and happy and the happy part just isn’t happening today! 

I feel like a failure of a housewife too because I’m focusing all my attention on my poor babe. The dishes still aren’t done. Floors haven’t been vacuumed. Laundry hasn’t been hung on the line. 

I guess you can’t win every day.

Baby Number 3, Life, parenting


I would definitely call myself a breastfeeding advocate. I’m actually taking steps to become a breastfeeding counsellor. 

I haven’t written about it because the right words haven’t come to me just yet, it happens with a lot of topics. I have a post in my drafts that I edit every now and again, and one day it’ll be ready to post.

But I did want to share this brilliant article I just came across about breastfeeding called Undersupply, or underhand undermining?.

Simply click the hyperlink above to check it out. ☺️

Baby Number 3, Babyloss, Life, parenting

Just A Moment

Last night lying in bed while I wrestled with our little rainbow babe to go to sleep, I asked Matt what he remembered about our boys’ birth.

“Too much.”

This response was followed by a little bit of silence while I pondered how differently we grieved. It was so hard for him to talk about their birth, and it wasn’t something he wanted to remember; while I love the opportunity to talk about it and I hate that I’m slowly forgetting.

“I wish they were here,” I said.

They’d be asleep,” Matt pointed at Charlie, in reference to the fact that it was 2 hours past her bedtime and she was still full of beans. I laughed a little.

“I don’t think they would be; they’d be playing games with each other through the cot bars ’til all hours probably.”

Again more silence, but this time a nicer one – for just a moment I sat there imagining our boys alive, their happy voices floating down to us from their room at the end of the hall. I pictured them standing up, reaching for each other where their cots met. I lived in this moment until Charlie (lovingly) kicked me in the face back to reality.

It was nice for just a moment to glimpse our lives as they would have been.