Life has been pretty busy lately. I know I said I’d write more, but writing is a bit of an indulgence when you’ve got so much going on.
I’m studying right now, for the first time since I left school 5 years ago. It’s hard. I’m struggling with it a little bit. I’m insanely excited about it all, but I’m not entirely sure I’ll succeed. I can barely get through the reading material – the language is heavy! – and I’m a big reader, so that took me by surprise.
Speaking of reading, I just bought a fascinating book – Mother’s Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters by Susan Forward, PhD. I’ve barely cracked the cover but I can’t wait to read it. My relationship with my mother has always had ups and downs, but lately the downs are getting to me more than ever before.
I’ve recently joined a support group for people with parents like my mother, and it’s been immensely helpful. Honestly, just being able to put a name to what she is has really helped. But right now I’m just moving forward and trying to figure out ways to heal without getting closure; because I know my mother will never accept nor apologise for what she has said and done. This has always been my reality, a mother who can’t love, who uses fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate the people she “loves”. I’m not expecting her to change. But I hope I can finally learn how to cope with it all.