Baby Number 3, Babyloss, Life, parenting

Mother’s Day approaches.

Mother’s Day is this Sunday, in case you haven’t noticed. I’ve looked forward to it every year since becoming a mother. Even though my first Mother’s Day was spent with empty arms. Even though last Mother’s Day, Matt and I had only recently separated, and he’s not a terribly thoughtful person to begin with. Even though this year, while it’s off to a better start than previous years, is probably set to end in a similar way. Me feeling sad, under-appreciated, but also strangely re-affirmed in my role as a mother.

My first Mother’s Day I remember I wanted so badly for other’s to recognise that it was my Mother’s Day too. My sons may not have been there, but I was still a mother. Matt wished me a happy Mother’s Day and gave me a quick hug as I got out of bed that morning, and that made me feel pretty great despite the sadness hiding within the hug. But what followed was a completely average day. There was no breakfast in bed, no barbecue in my honour, no cards, no cute home-made gifts, and most importantly no babies to hug. Getting back into bed that night, I cried thinking of what my first Mother’s Day should have been. Even if I hadn’t received anything else, I should have had two little boys to hold tight and make me feel grateful to be a mother. Instead what I had was emptiness. But as I pulled my blankets up, I looked out at the stars, and thought of my sons and how they wouldn’t want me to be sad – especially on Mother’s Day. I was their mother, after all.

Last Mother’s Day was, as a mentioned before, not long after Matthew and I separated. It wasn’t the best day. I spent it with Matt, I’m not even sure why considering I’d just left him. We invited his parents down to the local pub, ate pizza, and drank vodka (or at least, I did). At the end of the day, I was still pretty sad, but I had Charlie to cuddle and I felt pretty damn grateful for that.

This Mother’s Day I’m not sure what I’m hoping for. The truth is, every holiday sucks a little when you’re a bereaved parent. Even on the happy days, if there’s not at least tiny bit of sadness then there’s guilt for not feeling sad.

Anyway, happy Mother’s Day everyone! Whether you’re a new mum, a single mum, an empty-nester, or a mum with empty arms. Whatever kind of mum you are, happy Mother’s Day.

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Baby Number 3, Babyloss, Life, parenting

Recap: April

I haven’t felt the urge to write much lately. I usually use writing as a bit of an outlet during bad times, so basically life has been treating me well recently. I’ve been feeling really good. Not a lot of down days – although even on a good day I still believe life is unfair – and lots to keep me busy.

Here’s a quick recap of my last 2 weeks:

  • My cuddle cot fundraiser has been featured in the newspaper, on the radio and on TV – The local news really jumped on it, and the response has been fantastic. Charlie, my boys & I featured front page on our local newspaper Tuesday morning and as a result we received a message from ABC Radio wanting an interview, our local Prime7 News followed not long after. I was pretty nervous about being interviewed, but I think I did okay. Check out the article here: ‘Gift offers time with lost babies’, or watch my nerve-wracking TV appearance: ‘Mum on a mission’.
  • My fundraiser is now at over $1,100 – As a result of the recent media coverage, we’ve now raised enough for 1/6th of a cuddle cot in only a month of fundraising. Which also translates to 22 Bears of Hope packages in honour of my boys (if enough money for a cuddle cot isn’t raised).
  • I got chickens – probably not an important point but I find it exciting. Six 6-week-old Isa Browns. Seriously looking forward to not having to buy eggs in the near future. Charlie also absolutely adores them, which is a nice little bonus. We spend probably half an hour with them every morning playing outside and it definitely makes the day seem shorter having so much fun.
  • I spent some time with my beautiful sister, and my brother also visited from Melbourne – Family is important. Mine may not be very functional at the best of times, but I love them all the same and Charlie spending time with my family is also very important to me. My sister’s visit meant non-stop giggles from Charlie, we’ve missed her while she’s been away at university.
  • We got out personalised child loss book in the mail yesterday – From the author of Sam and Finn, these books are ‘a story of hope created especially for you’. It’s going to be beautiful reading it to Charlie as she gets older – a special little story about her big brothers. We already have Someone Came Before You, and it’s lovely, but this book actually has Andrew & Eric’s name in it! You can buy your own here: Personalised Child Loss Book.

That’s pretty much it. Condensed into a list, none of that seems as big of a deal as it actually was – I feel like there’s been so much excitement here lately!

My laptop is officially up and running again by the way, so look forward to more frequent blog posts. Unfortunately there’s been a hiccup with our new internet installation, but hopefully that’ll be working soon too.

How have you all been while I’ve been gone?

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Baby Number 3, Babyloss, Cooking, Life, parenting

Not Winning Today

I feel like I’m failing at being a mum today. My little girl is upset and clingy and has been from the moment she woke up. I understand that it’s tough being a toddler so I’m trying to be gentle, I wish she could understand that it’s tough being a mum sometimes too.

It’s lunchtime and so far she’s not eaten more than a few slices of apple all day. I feel like a failure for not being able to get her to eat some more, she must be hungry but she won’t let any food pass her lips (she did happily munch on some cardboard though – babies, huh?).

Her nap time has come and gone, and she’s still not asleep. I feel like a failure for not being able to get her to sleep even though I know she’s tired. I know this will make her day even harder. But she just won’t sleep.

Every little cry or whinge makes me feel like a failure because I don’t know what’s wrong and none of my cuddles are making her feel better. My one job is to keep my babe healthy and happy and the happy part just isn’t happening today! 

I feel like a failure of a housewife too because I’m focusing all my attention on my poor babe. The dishes still aren’t done. Floors haven’t been vacuumed. Laundry hasn’t been hung on the line. 

I guess you can’t win every day.

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Baby Number 3, Life, parenting

Breastfeeding

I would definitely call myself a breastfeeding advocate. I’m actually taking steps to become a breastfeeding counsellor. 

I haven’t written about it because the right words haven’t come to me just yet, it happens with a lot of topics. I have a post in my drafts that I edit every now and again, and one day it’ll be ready to post.

But I did want to share this brilliant article I just came across about breastfeeding called Undersupply, or underhand undermining?.

Simply click the hyperlink above to check it out. ☺️

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Baby Number 3, Life, parenting

Toilet training a one-year-old.

Toilet training has started. Just slowly, slowly. I’m not bothered with having Charlie fully-trained anytime soon, and we’re putting no pressure on her or anything. Just taking her to the potty every now and again and seeing what happens. She’s done a few number one’s on there already.

I’ll keep blogging about our toilet training process and let ya’ll know how it goes.

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Baby Number 3, Babyloss, Life, parenting

Just A Moment

Last night lying in bed while I wrestled with our little rainbow babe to go to sleep, I asked Matt what he remembered about our boys’ birth.

“Too much.”

This response was followed by a little bit of silence while I pondered how differently we grieved. It was so hard for him to talk about their birth, and it wasn’t something he wanted to remember; while I love the opportunity to talk about it and I hate that I’m slowly forgetting.

“I wish they were here,” I said.

They’d be asleep,” Matt pointed at Charlie, in reference to the fact that it was 2 hours past her bedtime and she was still full of beans. I laughed a little.

“I don’t think they would be; they’d be playing games with each other through the cot bars ’til all hours probably.”

Again more silence, but this time a nicer one – for just a moment I sat there imagining our boys alive, their happy voices floating down to us from their room at the end of the hall. I pictured them standing up, reaching for each other where their cots met. I lived in this moment until Charlie (lovingly) kicked me in the face back to reality.

It was nice for just a moment to glimpse our lives as they would have been. 

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