Babyloss, Friends, Life

A Different Kind of Birthday.

Last Saturday should have been my boys’ 2nd birthday. It was a very peaceful day. We went to the national park we visited on their first birthday last year, which we also visited when I was heavily pregnant with them.  

It was very different to their first birthday. There weren’t as many tears, for one. Charlie was there, also, instead of in my belly making me anxious (for those not in the know, on our sons’ first birthday I was also 36+4 weeks pregnant with Charlie, the exact gestation we found our boys’ hearts had stopped beating). 

I still find it unbelievable that I didn’t shed a tear at the national park, and I felt kind of guilty for it on the drive home. When we got home, though, my phone came to life with messages from my family and friends. And those messages got the tears flowing. 

The following Monday I checked the mail to find my boys’ had even received birthday cards and one of my friends had named a star after them. I feel so blessed to have friends who honour my boys like that and help me keep their memory alive. Sometimes it feels like a pretty tough job, especially being that I’m surrounded by a select few (ie: my partner’s family) who won’t even say my boys’ names, let alone celebrate their birthday. Thank you to everybody that reminded me it’s a job I’m not doing alone. 

Thank you for remembering my boys.

 

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Baby Number 3, Babyloss, Life, parenting

Another year of firsts.

My adorable rainbow baby is almost 1. (Her brothers should be almost 2).

This past year we have had many firsts. Charlie is our first baby to make it home. We celebrated her first Easter, Christmas, and New Years. We helped her struggle through her first tooth cutting, we struggled ourselves during our first sleepless night. We just missed seeing her first ever roll (cheeky!), delighted at seeing her crawl for the first time and at the moment we’re eagerly awaiting her first steps, which we anticipate any day now. And now to end our year of firsts we have her first birthday in 2 weeks time.

But it seems bittersweet that this is actually our second year of firsts, vastly different from the one before. The year of firsts without our beautiful boys. My firstborns. The first time I held their beautiful, still bodies. The first night home from hospital without them, then the first funeral my partner ever attended and the first time I had seen him cry. The first day I didn’t shed a single tear over their loss. The first Easter, Christmas and New Years with empty arms. Their first birthday card, completely empty, sitting in their memory box.

This year of firsts has been so much happier than the last, but the last holds so many important memories too. My boys should be 2 in 8 short days. We’re marking the day the same way we did last year – a trip to the national park with their urn, a cake, and a peaceful afternoon by ourselves as a family. It’ll be a far cry from Charlie’s first birthday barbecue the following week.

I feel like my boys are being a little bit forgotten amongst the excitement for their little sister’s birthday. I understand, I’m terribly excited for her birthday too; it’s such a joyous, celebratory occasion. But the week before is going to be tough.

 I miss you Andrew & Eric x

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