Baby Number 3, Babyloss, Life, parenting

Recap: April

I haven’t felt the urge to write much lately. I usually use writing as a bit of an outlet during bad times, so basically life has been treating me well recently. I’ve been feeling really good. Not a lot of down days – although even on a good day I still believe life is unfair – and lots to keep me busy.

Here’s a quick recap of my last 2 weeks:

  • My cuddle cot fundraiser has been featured in the newspaper, on the radio and on TV – The local news really jumped on it, and the response has been fantastic. Charlie, my boys & I featured front page on our local newspaper Tuesday morning and as a result we received a message from ABC Radio wanting an interview, our local Prime7 News followed not long after. I was pretty nervous about being interviewed, but I think I did okay. Check out the article here: ‘Gift offers time with lost babies’, or watch my nerve-wracking TV appearance: ‘Mum on a mission’.
  • My fundraiser is now at over $1,100 – As a result of the recent media coverage, we’ve now raised enough for 1/6th of a cuddle cot in only a month of fundraising. Which also translates to 22 Bears of Hope packages in honour of my boys (if enough money for a cuddle cot isn’t raised).
  • I got chickens – probably not an important point but I find it exciting. Six 6-week-old Isa Browns. Seriously looking forward to not having to buy eggs in the near future. Charlie also absolutely adores them, which is a nice little bonus. We spend probably half an hour with them every morning playing outside and it definitely makes the day seem shorter having so much fun.
  • I spent some time with my beautiful sister, and my brother also visited from Melbourne – Family is important. Mine may not be very functional at the best of times, but I love them all the same and Charlie spending time with my family is also very important to me. My sister’s visit meant non-stop giggles from Charlie, we’ve missed her while she’s been away at university.
  • We got out personalised child loss book in the mail yesterday – From the author of Sam and Finn, these books are ‘a story of hope created especially for you’. It’s going to be beautiful reading it to Charlie as she gets older – a special little story about her big brothers. We already have Someone Came Before You, and it’s lovely, but this book actually has Andrew & Eric’s name in it! You can buy your own here: Personalised Child Loss Book.

That’s pretty much it. Condensed into a list, none of that seems as big of a deal as it actually was – I feel like there’s been so much excitement here lately!

My laptop is officially up and running again by the way, so look forward to more frequent blog posts. Unfortunately there’s been a hiccup with our new internet installation, but hopefully that’ll be working soon too.

How have you all been while I’ve been gone?

Friends, Life

Season 7, time for a wedding!

On 2/1/15 Charlie & I attended the wedding of a good friend.

I actually know said friend through our babyloss journey. She lost her son a month or two before I lost mine and was one of the first people to offer real support to me, and now we have our rainbows together – her little boy is 5 weeks younger than Charlie.

The wedding was truly, truly beautiful. Her little boy was honoured in so many ways on the day, and her earthside baby looked adorable in his little bow tie and suspenders. The groom even scrubbed up well and my friend, the beautiful bride, looked absolutely amazing in her gown!

There are just no words for how happy I am for this couple. They’re such an inspiration to me. To have been through so much and to still be so strong together, and such wonderful parents to both their angel and their rainbow baby, is just humbling. And I feel so incredibly honoured to have been invited to their wedding.

I wish them both so much happiness – they deserve it!

Baby Number 3

Rainbow pregnancy sucks.

I’m not even talking about the anxiety. That’s enough on it’s own, the 24/7 worrying. Second-guessing every tiny twinge I feel. Even her kicks aren’t reassuring, because I just can’t help but think she might be saying goodbye or struggling to hold on. It’s awful.

But it’s the silence that really sucks. I feel like my belly is the elephant in the room! Last time I was pregnant everybody would excitedly ask questions and talk about the babies, but this time around it’s like they would rather forget I’m growing another human being.

It’s hard to imagine bringing this baby home – being positive is hard. But the silence makes it so much harder. It would be so nice if someone just asked how baby was going, whether she’s a boy or a girl. Or ask how I’m doing being pregnant in the heat. Or want to chat baby names with me. But instead there’s just silence. And when I try to break that silence myself and talk about baby anyway, it doesn’t take them long to change the topic – it’s so painfully clear no-one wants to talk about it.

I was sad that when my partner and I announced my pregnancy we barely got a single congratulations, but I thought that eventually we would. Like people just needed to get used to the idea and maybe have a think about what to say. Instead there’s been more silence.

I do sort of understand how everyone’s feeling – maybe they even think it’s easier for me, too, to pretend that I’m not pregnant. But it’s not. It makes things harder. I feel like I need all the positivity I can get, but if no-one else can be positive how on earth am I supposed to be?

Baby Number 3, Babyloss

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, Oct. 15th

Yesterday was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was almost too busy to think about it, but it was on my mind all day.

Yesterday I also had an obstetrician appointment. My little girl is 100% okay, I know some of you will understand why I find that to be a miracle. We’re over halfway now. It seems to have gone so fast. In 4 months she will be here, and our arms will be a tiny little bit less empty. I don’t feel like she’ll fill the gap left by her big brothers. But maybe she’ll make that hole seem not quite as big.

As I said before, the significance of yesterday’s date was on my mind all day. And at 7pm, my Facebook newsfeed filled up with candles. It was so lovely to see. But besides that, it really did feel like any other day. I missed my boys just as much as every day before – the only difference was that people seemed to accept that and liked my “I miss you” post rather than commenting about how I can’t let their loss ‘define the rest of my life’.

I guess I almost ended the day on a sad note, because I thought, why should my grief only be recognised on this one day? I do love that we have a day for everybody to remember our babies, but for my friends that aren’t a part of the baby-loss community it seemed to mean that today was the only day I should remember my sons.

Anyway, I’ll end my post on a happier note. Yesterday, seeing my little baby-loss community come together was lovely. Seeing other people, who don’t know our grief, remember our babies was also beautiful. My Facebook newsfeed really was a wave of light. And I did feel my sons’ presence quite heavily yesterday – I felt like they were watching over us. I’m proud that my little girl has such wonderful angels to look after her, even though I’d rather they be here to grow up with her instead.

Baby Number 3

Rainbow babies.

My partner and I recently decided to “try again” as others have put it. Trying again to me implies we failed the first time, and I just don’t feel that’s true. My sons were perfect and healthy, just not alive. My body failed them, my doctors failed them, my partner and I did not.

It’s amazing to me that “will you try again?” were usually the first words out of everyone’s mouths when we lost our sons. It’s not something we were even thinking about at the time, but thanks to everybody asking constantly it was put into our heads, almost like we were forced to think about it. Or at least I felt that way. My partner didn’t even want to talk about it back then.

And then one day we ran out of condoms. We decided to go without. The next day we had a big conversation about me getting pregnant again. And my partner said that he was okay with that. And that’s when we started trying to conceive again, although now it turns out I probably conceived the night before.

We’re not telling anyone, but I don’t mind sharing it with the internet at the moment – yes, we are expecting our “rainbow baby”.

I don’t know if I like the term “rainbow baby”. The sentiment behind it is lovely, but I don’t like the idea of my sons being our “storm”. Neither of those words just sit right with me. I guess I only use the term here because you all understand what it means. For me, this isn’t really a “rainbow baby” this is our “baby number 3”.